


Tirade Against Fear

by JabberwockyJinxes



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Merlin, M/M, Sad Ending, Short, Terminal Illnesses, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-24 21:23:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4935856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JabberwockyJinxes/pseuds/JabberwockyJinxes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You'll stay with me, Arthur? Just a little longer? Just until I fall asleep?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tirade Against Fear

A rustling behind the camera. Background static. Merlin’s face came into view, waving cheerfully at Arthur.

“Hey Arthur! So if you’ve found this, it either means you’ve been snooping around Gwaine’s stuff again, which you really have to stop, or… Well, you know how these things go.”

Onscreen, Merlin adjusted his camera. The backdrop was starkly white, making him look unfairly gorgeous.

“So I really don’t know how to do this sort of thing. Do you just kind of talk at the camera? Is there anything particular I’m supposed to say? I dunno. There’s no manual for this sort of thing, so I guess I just talk, yeah?”

A breath, a pause.

“So. All of a sudden, I really don’t know what to say. The doctor said I needed to talk about feelings and stuff, but I don’t really want to think on it, so I guess you, Arthur, get to hear me monologue at a screen for however long this lasts.”

Sitting at his desk at home, Arthur straightened, wondering what his best friend was going to say next.

“So I’ve been reading this book, Dune. Frank Herbert. Heard of it? I’m sure you have, it’s pretty famous. My mum used to quote from it when I was just a little kid. There was a tirade against fear in it, talking about all this stuff about how to defeat fear. 'Fear is the mind-killer, fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration…' I just got to that part today; I hope to finish it. It’s just brilliant. I had to take notes, though, because I don’t really know what’s going on half the time.”

In this video, Merlin seemed so much like his old self. Arthur almost choked up thinking about it.

“Arthur?” Merlin asks in the video. Suddenly, he looked very small. Arthur reached out a hand and touched Merlin’s face through the screen.

“Yes?” Arthur whispered.

“You’ll take care of my mum, right? I know she’s an independent woman and raised a son by herself and all, but I worry for her. It isn’t right, it isn’t easy. She puts up a good front, but she’ll need good people around her. You’re a good person, Arthur, in case I wasn’t being clear. And I know you never listen to orders, but listen to this one. Just… have a really fucking good life. You remember how you owe me from that time at Gwaine’s? I’m calling in that favour now. Have a good life.”

On screen, Merlin suddenly looks tired. “I’m going to sleep now. This is bloody tiring, is all. Didn’t expect it to be quite so hard. Over and out, Arthur.”

Arthur smiled at the screen for several long seconds before shutting the page down with one aggressive click of the mouse.

But that isn’t it.

The next day, Arthur picked up his computer again and clicked on the next video. There are eighteen in total, queued up and waiting for him. They vary in length. The first one is the shortest. The second one is around four hours.

Arthur clicked play and Merlin flickers to life again.

“Alright, Arthur. This is your mission, should you choose to accept it: We’re going to watch Mean Girls, and you’re going to bloody enjoy it. Cue up your Netflix, mate. I’m waiting.”

Arthur smiled. This was such a Merlin thing to do. He didn’t particularly want to watch Mean Girls, but he did want to hear Merlin’s voice a little longer.

As the credits rolled, Arthur imagined that he could still hear Merlin’s impossibly sweet, breathy laughter in his head.

“First time I saw that movie, I couldn’t believe it when the niners got run over! It was such a sweet little chick flick, and then it’s just like... BAM! I never saw that one coming.”

Despite himself, Arthur laughed.

“Well, I’ve an hour yet before I need to be anywhere or do anything. Lucky thing about all these surgeries is they bring ‘em right to me. Sometimes they wheel me around places. Lucky me, imagine getting a room to myself in this upscale establishment.” Merlin had a habit of turning his accent to the highest Queen’s English when he was mocking someone.

“It’s bloody boring without you here.” Merlin continued. “I wish you hadn’t had to go away. I wish… Ah, it’s a selfish, pitiful thing. Mum says there’s no reason to voice those thoughts.”

As the video continued, Arthur could see Merlin getting weaker. He started out strong in each video, then he would go downhill as it took his toll on him. Arthur wished Merlin had never made those stupid videos.

“Well, I guess it’s story time now. Let me think… Oh! I know! Did I ever tell you the story with Griselda and that time she tried to set me up with her cousin? That’s a good one. Stay tuned, Arthur, you’re in for the ride of your life.”

Arthur had heard that story, and the one after, and the one after that. He listened to all of them. As soon as he finished, Merlin became small again.

“You’ll stay with me, Arthur? Just a little longer? Just until I fall asleep?” Merlin said.

Arthur did.

 

Arthur waited until the day after to watch the next video. It was a shorter one, clocking in at about ten minutes. When he clicked it on, he was greeted once again my Merlin’s pale face. He looked frazzled and tired and his hair was a mess, but Arthur thought he looked more stunning for it.

“Hey Arthur! Guess who just got to try out electric shock therapy? It was an experience, I’ll give them that. Maybe they think they can shock the feeling right back into my feet, yeah?”

On screen, Merlin lifted up a socked foot to show Arthur, waving it at the camera. He had on Christmas socks, despite the time-stamp on the video saying it was only September.

“Mum sent me my Christmas socks. She can’t leave the house just yet, but hopefully she’ll be down here soon. Maybe you can make it too, yeah? See if your dad will let you come back up here, we’ll make a proper day of it. The doctor says I might be able to go outside a little, if I have a wheelchair. I want to explore London. We’ll go to St. James and look at Buckingham Palace… Maybe we’ll have tea with the Queen. Do you know the Queen, Arthur? You posh types are always mingling.”

Arthur didn’t know the Queen. Contrary to what Merlin seemed to think, 'posh types’ like him generally preferred to keep to keep to themselves.

“Of course, even if you did know the Queen, I bet she wouldn’t like you very much. She’s so proper and all. You’re not like that, with all your sports and stuff. I’d like to see her try her hand at football… Or maybe not. She could probably beat me, at any rate.”

Arthur watched as Merlin continued to ramble on about anything and everything. He spent the video detailing what they could do if Arthur was there. Arthur had never hated Italy quite so much.

“Well, Gwen’s planning to pop by a little later. I think I’ll fit in a quick nap, then make myself presentable. I know she’s used to my ugly face, but I can at least try!”

With a burst of laughter so bright it left Arthur’s heart aching, Merlin shut the camera off.

He had been so removed from this all, but he still had contact with Leon. In one update Leon had sent him, he mentioned that Merlin was bleeding from burns in his feet. He couldn't feel them and didn't notice until a nurse came to help him get changed.

The next video had a timestamp of late September. Merlin was propped up in bed with a little bald girl on his lap. The toddler was giggling madly and kept tapping at the camera, making it shake.

“Arthur, meet Freya. Freya, meet Arthur.” Merlin said, gesturing. Freya beamed at the screen.

“Hi! Arthur!”

“Now, Freya is pretty awesome. She’s going to be a doctor when she’s older, Arthur. Just like Dr. Gaius, she says. Freya, can you show Arthur how you patched up your ouchie?”

Freya nodded and shyly lifted her knee towards the camera. There was a bright Dora the Explorer band-aid adorning it.

“She’s already promised to make me better, so you know you don’t have anything to worry about.” Merlin said. “She’s been very diligent. Makes me take my meds every day, morning, noon, and night, won’t let me do a single thing wrong!”

“That’s right.” Freya said seriously.

“Do you want to talk to Arthur?” Merlin asked cheerfully. Freya nodded while Merlin adjusted the camera.

“Hi Arthur! I’m going to take care of Merlin and make sure he’s OK! I’m trying to make him sleep more, I like sleeping. I talked to Dr. Gaius and he says maybe if Merlin’s mom comes down, we can all go out into the city for a bit. I’m really really really excited! You wait and see, Merlin’s going to be super-happy with me looking after him.”

Freya heard her name being called and bounced down from the bed. “Alice! I’m going to see Alice, Merlin!”

Merlin laughed from his throat. “See you, Freya.” For a minute, he could hear the faint pitter-patter of footsteps on a cold hospital floor, then the sound faded away.

When he had the courage to look again at the screen, Merlin was already fast asleep. The video cut out three seconds later.

 

“Merlin! Catch!” Arthur said. He threw the football towards Merlin, who tripped and stumbled on his way to get it. The sun was shining, the day was beautiful and warm, and when Merlin went tumbling down, Arthur didn’t think anything of it.

He went towards his boyfriend (Boyfriend! Merlin was his boyfriend! Some days he still couldn’t believe his luck.) to give him a hand up.

“My feet are fast asleep.” Merlin complained, taking his hand. “Arthur, it’s all your fault.”

“How are your feet my responsibility, Merlin?” Arthur asked haughtily. Merlin just grinned and started on his clumsy walk across the field.

“Throw it again! I swear I’ll catch it this time.” And so Merlin did, throwing himself upwards towards the ball and sending it swirling back towards Arthur. He grimaced. Arthur noticed, and started walking towards his car.

“It’s going to take more than that before you’re competent, Merlin. I think we should stick to the things you’re good at.”

“Oh yeah?” Merlin asked cheekily. “Like what?”

Arthur flung an arm around him as they crossed the short expanse of field. “I’m sure we can think of a thing or two.”

Suffice it to say, Merlin stayed over at Arthur’s that night. They slept, limbs tangled up around each other.

Being with Merlin was unlike being with anyone else Arthur had ever experienced. Arthur didn't love easily and didn't love often; he thought that he was made for the express purpose of being with Merlin. It wasn't lust or the drive towards romance that drew Arthur towards Merlin. He didn't love Merlin, (although even then, he loved Merlin in other ways) and then one day it just was.

Merlin, on the other hand, gave away affection like he had droves to spare. When Arthur thought his heart was full to bursting with love for just one person, Merlin would do something to prove that love had no plateau. Before Merlin, Arthur struggled to connect with people. After, Arthur understood what all the fuss about love was all about.

Still, Arthur wasn’t confident that his father would accept his son as a gay man, so he introduced Merlin as ‘a friend’ and told Uther they were ‘going to just hang out.'

That terrible morning, Uther found out. He saw them lying there, entangled, on Arthur’s bed as Arthur blinked sleep out of his eyes.

“A gay man, Arthur? I thought you were better than that.” He said coldly. Arthur recoiled against his harsh words, then sat up fully, ignoring Merlin’s small sound of protest.

“I’ll love who I want to.” He said. He could see in Uther’s eyes that there would be no more words on the subject now, but they would talk later. Uther could be hard to handle at the best of times, but he would listen to Arthur when it mattered.

Merlin woke up just as Uther had turned and left the doorway.

“Arthur?” He asked. “Was that your dad?”

“Yeah.” Arthur said. “Nothing to worry about.”

Accepting, Merlin curled up closer into Arthur. Absentmindedly, Arthur let his hand wander through Merlin’s mussed-up hair. “I want to stay like this forever.”

“Mmm. You know I love you, right?” Merlin asked.

“I l-“Arthur tried to say, but he physically couldn’t say the word. “I-“

Merlin lay a hand on his chest. “I know. You don’t have to say it.”

“I want to.” Arthur explained, breathing heavier. “I just can’t.”

“It’s OK, Arthur.”

They didn’t speak for a long while after that. Soon enough, the sun was filtering insistently through the curtains, demanding they get up. Merlin was the first to roll over, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking for his clothes. Arthur didn’t pay much attention to any of that; he was still feeling a little raw and hurt from his father’s words. Merlin stood up.

He started paying attention a second and a half later, when Merlin went crashing down to the floor with a small yelp.

“Arthur? I can’t feel my feet!”

Arthur carried Merlin down the steps and into the car. He drove to the hospital in tense silence. Four hours later, they were seeing a general doctor. Two hours after that, a specialist came rushing in.

“I don’t know.” He said helplessly. “It’s like his nerves are just shutting down. How did it start?”

“They just fell asleep yesterday, and now they’re like this.” Merlin said helplessly.

Five hours later, Merlin was calling Hunith to tell her he needed to have a surgery, now, and that they were moving him to the London General. “Could you kindly come and sign some papers for us?” They asked. “We can go ahead without parental consent, but we prefer-“

“I’m already on my way.” Hunith said.

Partway through the surgery, a doctor came out. “There’s something wrong with his central nervous system. We’re still trying to figure out what. Right now, we think the numbness is going to spread throughout his body and leave him paralyzed in those areas.”

“Is there a cure?” Hunith asked.

The doctor had a dry, raspy voice. “We can slow down the spread of the symptoms-“

“Just tell me if you can cure him!” Hunith said. It was a desperate, animalistic sound.

“No, ma’am.”

“How long will this take? When can he come home?”

Again, the doctor hesitated. “Ma’am-“

A nurse peeked out. “We need you in here, now!”

Arthur could only watch him go. So, they sat there, waiting for news until 3am the next morning. Visiting hours were long over, but no one had the heart to kick them out.

At 3:02, Uther came into the hospital and wrapped his arms around Arthur.

“I can accept that my son loves a man, but I won’t accept he loves a dying one.” Uther said. Then he dragged Arthur out of the hospital, kicking and screaming.

Twelve hours later, Arthur was in Italy. His last memory of Merlin, alive, was him lying on an operating table, covered in white.

 

Merlin was grinning at the camera again. Arthur wasn’t sure what he was rambling on about this time; he had stopped paying attention. Merlin really did like to talk.

He corrected himself. Merlin really had loved to talk. He wasn’t talking anymore.

In the video, Merlin had grown serious, and Arthur felt his heart clench again.

“So… I can’t feel anything below my waist anymore. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t talk about this, my therapist says I should make arrangements for this to be destroyed after I die, says that it would be too hard for whoever I’m talking at to handle. She says she’ll take care of it for me, but that since I care for Arthur so much, and he’s so far away, I should-“

Merlin took a deep breath, as if to steady himself. “If he were listening right now, I would tell him that I love him, now and forever. But-“

Then, Merlin’s face crumpled in earnest and he tried to muffle a sob with his hand. Arthur curled up on the corner of his bed, a keening noise coming out of his throat.

“He’s so far away.” Merlin sobbed. “And I’m never going to see him again, I’m never going to be able to see the sun in his hair or listen to his voice. And I miss him, constantly. It’s like breathing. Breathe in, miss him. Breathe out, miss him.”

There was a knock on Arthur’s door. He clicked pause just in time. Morgana opened the door without waiting. She hesitated for barely a moment, then saw Arthur’s red eyes and tightly curled body. She folded him up into a hug, just like when they were little kids and it was them against the world.

“It’ll be OK, Artie.” She whispered. “It hurts, but it’ll be OK.”

“H-he’s never coming back. The last thing I said to him was that I’d see him soon, and I never saw him again!”

“Merlin knew that you were thinking of him. He had his family. He was happy towards the end, Arthur.”

Again, the keening noise escaped him. The sound of his ragged breath in his ears seemed impossibly loud.

“I should have left!” Arthur shouted. He struggled out of Morgana’s hold, punching his pillow. “I should have left Italy to go be with him, or better yet, I should have done like father said. I never should have loved a dying man in the first place!”

Morgana grabbed his hand and held it in her own.

“Don’t say that.” She said quietly, and for the first time, Arthur noticed tears on his face. “Arthur Pendragon, loving him was the best thing you ever did, and I won’t allow you to say things like that.”

“He waited!” Arthur bellowed. “He sat there, waiting for me to come back to him, and I just sat there like a bloody coward because I wanted to please my bloody father!”

“There was nothing you could have done-“

“I wish he had never gotten sick. I wish he had never died. I wish- I wish… I wish he had never even been born!”

“Don’t you dare say that. You should count yourself as lucky to have known him. I’m going to go now, and I hope you’re ashamed of what you just said.”

In a rustle of movement, Morgana was gone.

 

The next three videos sped by. They were all a little shorter, two of them clocking in at five minutes each and the third, final one hitting thirteen minutes. Arthur still felt a little raw around the edges from watching them, but he knew that he couldn’t stop until he saw the final video. Merlin had started dropping weight fast now. Arthur knew that by the last video, he would weigh barely ninety pounds.

There was also huge bags under his eyes. It looked like bruising, and Arthur wanted nothing more than to reach out and kiss them better, one by one.

In the last video, Merlin had talked about some more about Dune, the book he was reading. “It’s really quite brilliant. There’s a whole culture the author’s thought up, and it all just meshes, you know?”

His miniature breakdown on-screen was never mentioned again. Merlin probably never thought the videos would reach Arthur in the first place.

At one point, a nurse had come in to take his blood pressure and give him little pills to swallow. She smiled at the camera.

“Recording for Arthur again?”

“Yeah. He needs to read more awesome stuff, and I suppose I’m up to the task of educating him.”

“That’s good, dear.” The nurse said. She left.

There was a constant faint bitterness about Merlin these days. He masked it well, but Arthur wondered how many days he had spent unhappy, and faked it.

“Moping doesn’t cure anything.” Merlin had said in one of his earlier videos. “I mean, it’s emotionally satisfying. But really, I would rather just go out, get something done, enjoy myself, you know?”

He looked sicker every day. The doctors had said his nervous system was shutting down, and that his basic functions were failing at an alarming rate.

The day of his diagnosis to the day he died lasted a grand total of a week and a half. In that week and a half, the hospital became a brighter place. And even as Arthur watched Merlin get closer and closer to death, he felt like something inside of him was getting better.

He was remembering the bad and the good now. He remembered the day when he had realized Merlin was his best friend, as they went sledding breathlessly down a hill. When they crashed at the bottom, dizzy and laughing, they had finally packed up their sleds and trudged to the nearest coffee shop for hot chocolate. It was days like that Arthur used to long for.

 

For a day or two, Merlin ran a light cold. He actually started to get better for a while, using his hands, which had lain useless at his sides for about a day, to blow his nose. It was a simple act, but it made Arthur feel happy to see Merlin like that. It wasn’t like having the old Merlin back, but it was as close as he would ever see again.

Merlin was joking at the camera, and despite the weight he had lost, he still looked like the boy that Arthur had fallen in love with. There were his blue eyes, bright in some light, stormy in others. His long, pale fingers were skeletal now, but still lovely. His cheekbones were popping right off, flirting with the camera, and his lips were still tweaked upwards in his old smile.

He was beautiful, ethereal.

The video ended. There was only one video left.

Then:

Arthur clicked on it. The camera took a moment to settle, obviously being maneuvered by someone else.

“Hey.” Merlin said. His voice was raspy and a little bit sleep-dulled. Upon closer inspection, his pupils were large and black. He must have been sedated recently.

Arthur smiled, despite himself. He could face this, he thought. Only a few days ago, life without Merlin seemed pointless, but he thought he could face it, with time.

“So, this is hard. They think I probably only have a week or so left. It’s progressing really fast, Arthur. So if you can come home now so I can see your stupid face one more time… Well, I really need you right now.”

A deep, shuddering breath. This was the last one. After this, Arthur would have nothing left of Merlin.

“The doctors think I actually intend for you to see this, Arthur. I mean, it’s not like I will. I’ll tell Gwaine when he stops by tomorrow not to give this to you, that would be too cruel. I do…” Merlin trailed off, looking like he had lost his train of thought. “I do wish you were here. I wish you had the decency to visit, just once, you know?”

Arthur looked at the timestamp on the video. At that very minute, he had been sneaking out of the villa and into the airport so he could go see Merlin.

“So, yeah. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you. I know you would never want to hurt me… I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, or overestimating my importance or anything, but I know you love me too. I just- Yeah. I’ll calm down now.”

Merlin was pale, shaking and sweating. He had an hour and twelve minutes to live, at that point.

“I don’t want to live anymore.” Merlin admitted, eyes watering with a desperate gleam. “I just want this all to be over. But, the show must go on, I suppose. So, how do you feel about a story? I’ll tell you about that time with Gwen and Morgana, before I met you, and how we went fence hopping, almost got caught by one of my neighbors. You’ll love it, Pendragon.”

The story was nonsensical, delving further into fantasy as Merlin went on. As soon as he was finished, a nurse came over to pick up the camera.

“Are you finished?”

“Yeah, I’ll record some more tomorrow, I think.” Merlin tried to nod. In the second before the camera shut off, Merlin mouthed three words at the camera.

Then, the screen went black and the last video ended.

In Italy, an hour and seven minutes after the last video ended, Arthur was being restrained by a security guard who recognized his father’s description of him. He never would get on the plane that would take him to Merlin.

In London, an hour and seven minutes after the last video ended, Merlin was taking his final breath. His mother held one of his hands, but she was ripped away as the doctors stepped in to try and save him. Her scream would be heard across the entire hospital. It took three full grown men to keep her away from Merlin.

Merlin had died just after hearing his mother's last anguished scream, when the disease reached his heart and it couldn't hold out any longer. Arthur wished it had been him lying in that hospital bed instead. Merlin must have been so afraid, but he would have approached death as he approached life- with unflinching courage.

Arthur hated him for that, because now Arthur had to live without him. What had been the point of all the videos? There had been no closure for Arthur, no way for him to move on. All that he would remember was Merlin’s pale face and sunken eyes. Arthur didn't think he was brave enough to face a world without Merlin in it.

The doctor said Merlin had died with a smile on his face, and as Arthur drifted off to sleep, he wondered what kind of smile it was.

I love you, Merlin had said. I’ll record some more tomorrow, I think.

There was no time left. The end had already come.

**Author's Note:**

> Less edited version on FF.Net. This has been (briefly) edited a second time as of 05/02/2016.


End file.
